I wanted to talk about one or two books that complimented the theme of Ballad 1 (Sorry), namely poor mental health. I have read a number of books on the subject, but I was struggling to find something that encapsulated my unique experience. Nothing expressed itself in a way I felt matched both my own struggles and the tone of the song.
Ballad 1 is resigned. It is defeat. This is what makes the chorus, the repeating of “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there” so poignant. If not there, where am I? So we wonder, so we imagine. The worst often comes to mind first.
Mental health here is very much wrapped up in time, in a chronology that makes no sense, existing in the tension of being pulled back to past mistakes, propelled forward into horrific futures, and never allowed to exist now.
Mental health and its decline are such individualistic states of being that, two books into my pile of potential ones to discuss, I gave in. Nothing can replicate what this song is trying to say with precision, I realised, because nothing mirrors the exact feelings I had writing it.
But, in spite of this, many books touched upon what I myself have experienced. I’ve connected unexpectedly with random fragments of a chapter, of a page, of a sentence.
So I bring to you not a nicely curated couple of books to read alongside the track, but rather a whole ream of books to peruse over time. Perhaps you’ll feel the connection I did.
The Yellow Wallpaper, Charlotte Perkins Gilman
A Spot of Bother, Mark Haddon
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Gail Honeyman
The Reading List, Sara Nisha Adams
The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
Turtles All the Way Down, John Green
Here’s a link to some sources of urgent help, just in case you need them:
Much love to everyone who listens to and connects with my music. In many ways I sincerely hope Ballad 1 has no resonance with you. But if it does, in some small way, just like in the glimmers of similarity in these books, I hope you know you’re not alone.
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